It’s one a.m. and I can’t sleep. I hate this whole wake up in the middle of the night routine that hit in my forties. As I lie here, I’m not kept awake by my thoughts but I can’t turn them off, either. So I decided to write them down!
I want to live in God’s reality, to see life the way God does. I believe Jesus could heal people and do miracles when he was a human because he had been God; he’d lived in heaven and knew the truth. He didn't go through any of the faith killing things we do like “Is this really God? Is God really like this? Does God want to heal this person? Will God heal this person?” None of these thoughts ever crossed Jesus’ mind at all. He was faith-filled because he understood what was true. He had no doubt. He knew how God thinks and He knew how the Kingdom of God operates.
I want to live like that. Badly. Or maybe desperately. I don’t want to get caught in the lies that I believe as a frail human. Lies about what God thinks of me. Lies about where the source of life is, or the source of joy and satisfaction. Whenever I look for my circumstances to make me happy or feel worthwhile I am believing a lie, because that is not where the source of life is found. It means I don't understand how God thinks. I don't know what's true.
I am in hot pursuit of a deeper understanding of what it means to have the Lord be my source of life and joy. I don’t know specifically how to get there. I know I’m not where I once was. I have a much greater understanding of what’s true than I did when I was younger in the Lord and I’m quicker to recognize when I believe lies. But I still find myself looking to stupid things to be my source of life. And they are becoming distinctly unsatisfying.
I’m desperate for the kind of relationship with Him that is more powerful and meaningful than any other relationship I have. I want to live in the truth. I’m praying. I’m asking. I’m repenting. I’m trusting that God is good enough and big enough to overcome my weaknesses and help me get there.
Matthew 7:9-11 (NKJV)
Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!
What are you asking for?