Thursday, December 22, 2011

Back To Longing

My very first post the day I launched this blog was about longing for God. As the year draws towards its close, I find myself in that same place again

I realized some things this week as I’ve spent time with the Lord (since it’s my Christmas gift to Him and all).  It is much easier for me to settle than it is to reach.  By nature I want to be content. I want to be happy with my life and I want to see the bright side of things.  I hate the pain of disappointment. The Bible says “Hope deferred makes the heart sick.” That’s exactly how I feel about hopes that I have that don’t come true.  It makes me sick. That was one of the biggest struggles with my leg last year. How can I hope for things to get better and not be bitterly disappointed with the present?

In my conversations with the Lord this week, He’s stirring some things up. It seems like He always wants me to keep reaching. He has more faith in me than I have in myself.  He sees me as stronger, more capable. He believes in me. He wants me to believe in Him. He wants me to risk.  But risk is well, risky. To risk is to face the possibility of disappointment, of hoping for something that I can’t have. I really hate that.   I’ve never been much of a window shopper. I don’t like to step foot in a store if I don’t have money to buy.  My mother says this aspect of my personality manifested when I was a baby.  She said I learned to walk at an early age, but I was very cautious in my methodology. I would pull myself up very carefully using a table. Then I’d look around for a while and make sure the coast was clear. I’d take careful, calculated steps. If I thought I was going to fall, I’d sit down. I manage my life like that, too. It’s safe and controlled, but limiting.

God Himself is limitless. He’s into risk. He’s into hope.  When I long for Him, it’s a risk. It means I am wishing for more of Him than I have.  Longing for more of the spirit of God to be present in my life, for more of Him and all that He represents to fill my life in all its aspects is dangerous. Longing for God to move more fully in my family, my friends, my church is to long for something I cannot see and cannot control.  But it is the place where He is nudging me.  My dear Lord--He loves faith. He loves hope. So I am going to go for it and trust in Him....the best that I can. If I find myself sitting down before I fall down, I will have to trust Him to help me get up again.

Psalm 42:5 (NIV)
Why, my soul, are you downcast? 
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
   for I will yet praise him,
   my Savior and my God.

Proverbs 13:12 (NIV)
Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
   but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.

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