How do we live with circumstances we don’t like and can’t control? In the midst of my muscle drama I tried on different attitudes like people try on hats. I wanted to stay close to God and maintain a godly attitude. I wanted to be hopeful, but patient, positive but not demanding. I wanted to contend for healing and yet be at peace. Most of all, I wanted to hold tight to my belief in the goodness of God when my world didn’t seem very good.
And my world wasn’t great. I felt terrible. My leg hurt all the time. A lot. By two in the afternoon I was barely hanging on. It wasn’t just leg pain, either. Due to the autoimmune I hurt all over and didn’t have any energy. Everything was an effort. I probably should have gone on disability. I could have, but I didn’t want to! I wanted to be there for my students. I’ll let you in on a little secret about children----they hate substitutes. With a passion.
By the time I got home every night I was done. Then I had to watch my family do everything for me. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, the works. I hated it. They were wonderful, but I hated it. The guilt ate at me. This wasn’t supposed to be my life.
But it was. And I couldn’t power out of it.
A curious thing happened in August. Before school started. Before I knew I’d be in a wheelchair. In fact, at this point I was still hoping foolishly that it would end soon. I wasn’t walking much at the time but I went to church that day with a cane. On our way out of the sanctuary I was stopped by a gal I hadn’t seen in years. She said God had given her something for me and asked if she could share it.
She didn’t know my situation. No one knew what I was really facing at that time, especially me. But here’s what she said. “God wants you to know how much He loves you and how dear you are to Him. He’s proud of you. He wants you to know that He is going to be your strength. He is a strong pillar. He wants you to wrap your arms tight around Him and hang on. He isn’t a hard pillar, either. He’s warm and soft and you can hold tight to Him.” I had no idea then what that word would come to mean to me. My God, who loves me dearly, wanted to communicate His love to me and let me know that He would be there for me. All I had to do was hang on. And that’s exactly what I did.
More to come…..
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.