Sometimes it’s just plain hard to do what I feel like God wants me to do. I just don’t want to do it. I want a “get out of it free” card. So this morning I woke up at 3:40, hurting, not able to sleep. I laid there for a while and finally got up at 4:30 and got in the hot tub, trying for some relief. I didn't want to face the day, hurting and tired from less than five hours of sleep. I didn't want to leave the house at eight a.m. and be surrounded by people all day, people who want and need me to talk to them, smile at them, and make them feel valuable. I wanted to crawl into a ball and hide. Then there’s the issue of my book that I feel God wanting me to finish. I’m dragging my feet for so many reasons. I don’t want to face it, don’t want to do it, and don’t want to give the energy it would require. I feel the weight of my own resistance.
I sat there alone in my hot tub thinking about these things, groaning inwardly (and outwardly!) I was at the end of myself. And it’s when we are at the end of ourselves that we find out we really can’t do this life without God. So I knelt down in my hot tub and cried out to God. I asked Him to please help me. Please help. I can’t do this without you. If you do not help me I will not be helped.
I live thinking I believe this truth, that I cannot live without God’s help, and then I come face to face with situations like this morning and I realize I didn't really believe that at all. In reality, I think I can and should do it by myself. And that is a foolish belief. I may be able to get by, but to live the life I’m called to live, I absolutely cannot do it unless I’m on my knees, and God is supplying my strength.
It’s now 6:38 and time to get ready for school. God help me! God help us all. I know He can…and have faith that He will.