Monday, January 16, 2012

In The Midst of Struggle

It’s been a hard week. I was tempted, for a moment, to pretend that my life is all perfect, but that would be a lie and I’m not much good at lying (I lack a proper poker face). Besides, from the beginning I felt like God wanted me to be honest in this blog…to avoid the trite and coined phrases that ring hollow in the midst of life with all its challenges. So here’s the truth.

Health issues are frustrating me.  I hate even saying that. I don’t want that to be my reality. But things have been hard the last couple of weeks. I’ve been tired, low energy, not sleeping and I have a constant headache. Then there’s this thing with my hormones where I’ve started throwing up and getting migraines at certain times of the month.  I had two doctor appointments scheduled for today and I wasn’t excited. I feel like my life is slowly being drained away by hours spent at doctors’ offices. I know I’m being melodramatic, but it’s the plain raw truth. I’m feeling dramatic. And I’m tired of hurting all the time.

I almost didn’t go to church last night because I was feeling crummy.  In the end, I dragged myself into the sanctuary in a pretty desperate state.  It’s a good thing God’s not freaked out by drama.  Worship started and I felt the desperation drain right out of me the longer I stood there.  One of the songs we sing has a repeating refrain that goes like this:

“My heart will sing, no other name--Jesus, Jesus.”

By the time I’d sung this about ten times I was wrapped up tight into His presence. 

I keep thinking that my life is being wasted. After all, how can I serve God if I’m sick all the time? I had a fresh revelation in the midst of all of this that I still think I need to earn something here in this life to make my existence legitimate.  But God only wants me to live for Him.  Him alone. He is my only song. Nothing stands in the way of that, not sickness, not difficulty, not drama. Nothing.  I can live for Him bedridden, weak, in any state.

My heart only sings one name.  

Philippians 4:11(NKJV)
Not that I speak in regard to need, for I have learned in whatever state I am, to be content

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