At one point in this process Nick and I dusted off a book that we’d had on the shelves that talked about roadblocks to being healed when people pray for you. According to this book, fear and anxiety are two real killers. They literally make people sick. Well, I’ve struggled with both of those my whole life. And normally, what I’m anxious about is failing or making a mistake, doing things wrong. I have a lot of grace for other people, but not so much for myself. Being a self-critical perfectionist is detrimental to your healthy apparently.
I don’t know why the truth goes right over my head in some instances, and hits me directly in the face in others. This time the truth smacked me hard and I knew I had a problem. It’s kind of interesting that auto immunes are all about the body attacking itself when I’ve spent my whole life doing just that. I’m not making claims for others, but I know for myself that God wants to do more in my life than just take away the pain in my leg.
While I was praying God gave me a picture that was so accurate it took my breath away. I saw myself as little girl. I was afraid. I had an overwhelming feeling like I had to do things just right but I never saw my failures ahead of time. It wasn’t like I went, “I know this is wrong, but I’m going to do it anyway.” My failures were broadsiding me. And God was waiting arms folded, watching to see what I would do. I was all alone in this picture and no one would help. I had this unbearable weight of needing to navigate the world perfectly and I didn’t know how. If I did it wrong, the wrath would be quick and painful. So it was all about trying to make myself see the failures that I kept missing, needing to be hyper vigilant, and every decision becoming very important. Down deep where I don’t see it, I’m still living that way. God spoke to those lies. He told me that I can’t save myself. That He is not like that, He is with me and wants to help me. He’s on my side. I repented of believing lies. I don’t think the work is finished, but I can feel a difference already.
We are so short sighted. All we want is relief from the immediate pain. God wants more for us. He wants us to be free. I pray we all continue to move towards the greater good God has for us, even if it hurts.
Oh yeah, my leg is doing a LOT better by the way.