Friday, August 10, 2012

Wrestling With Forgiveness Reprised

Today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog! I had NO IDEA the road I would travel upon when  I finally decided to be obedient to the Lord and just start this darn blog.  I also didn’t realize that I would actually enjoy the experience of putting my heart out there on the Internet….but I have! It’s been a growth process for me. Thank you to everyone who has shared in my life and my walk with Christ. Your comments and encouragement have been so meaningful, and have definitely helped in the difficult moments.

It’s interesting that today’s blog post is on forgiveness.  When I started writing this entry, I didn’t realize that I was so close to my one year mark. One of my very first posts was on forgiveness, and now one year later I find myself coming face to face with the issue again. I want to get this thing, forgiveness, since it is so central to Christ and everything He is.

My husband hurt my feelings yesterday…..pretty significantly. That’s unusual for us; we aren’t usually offended by each other. What’s even more unusual is that I didn’t really want to talk about it at the time; normally we talk everything out and are quick to do so. I actually think he was relieved when I didn’t, like maybe he dodged a bullet!  He doesn’t realize that I’m still mad and hurt about it. When I was talking to the Lord about the whole thing this morning I felt like He was asking me just to forget about it, to just let it go.  And I wasn’t sure I could. I realized that part of my desire to “talk it out” was to make him pay. I want him to hear how hurt I am, how much his words damaged me. I want him to feel badly and regret it and maybe even grovel a little.  Some of my desire to “get things right” is really about getting back. Could I let this go? Could I forgive the way God does--freely, putting my sins as far as the east is from the west? Could I take the pain myself and let Nick go free?

That was the issue….could I let him go free? I believe that talking things over and being honest is essential to a good relationship with my spouse, so I don’t think this is what I should do all the time. But it might be what God wants this time. I also realize that if I can’t let him go free, I will have to talk to him, because I don’t want anything between us. I'm not sure I can really let this go, but I'm going to try. 

This incident helped me realize how different my forgiveness is than the Lord’s--and how incredibly amazing God’s forgiveness truly is. Freely given, with the pain and the payment totally taken by Him. Freely erasing all our sin. Setting us free.  Just trying to be this person makes me understand God’s heart a little better. Dear Lord, please help me learn not to make people pay… me learn to set people free.

Ephesians 1:7 (NIV)
In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace.


No comments: