I've been hiding from God. I didn't realize it at the time, but I have been. I have all sorts of great reasons why I haven’t gotten to this blog lately, but they ring hollow in face of the truth. I didn't want to talk about “God Stuff”. It was subtle, not anything I could even recognize directly. If you had asked me, I would have said, “I’m doing fine.” But this past week I came face to face with the reality that I wasn't doing fine. In reality, I didn't want to talk to God. I didn't want to admit it at first. Who wants to admit they don’t want to talk to God? It doesn't sound spiritual at all!
The first thing I realized (after admitting that I didn't want to talk to God) was that there was a thick wall between me and God, put up by yours truly. It was all I could see. I didn't know why it was there or how to remove it. But this was a start. After that I started praying and talking to the Lord. And I talked to Nick about it, too. Then God, in the cool ways that He works, began to orchestrate some change. Nick and I happened to listen to a couple of sermons and read part of a book and they all spoke to my heart.
Eventually that led to me being honest and admitting that I was actually mad at God. So we had to go there next. It’s strange, because now that I am starting to feel better physically, you’d think I’d be praising God and feeling all sorts of faith. For some strange reason, I was mad. I was mad that things had gone so badly for so long. Mad that He didn't fix it all sooner. And that made me not want to trust the next direction my life might take….how do I know it isn't going to be awful? I've experienced some awful. I don’t want to experience more awful. I’m not feeling like I can take any more pain right now. So I was feeling faithless and like I couldn't trust Him and I was hiding. I’m embarrassed to say it out loud.
But God. (That’s an amazing phrase, do you know that?) But God who is rich in mercy, found me out in my faithlessness, came to my rescue and helped me out. I don’t have it all figured out, but at least I’m going to God about it now and we are working through it together.
Ephesians 2:4-6 But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus.