Trust is a free fall. It isn’t even trust unless you jump while you are still unable to see the bottom of whatever cliff you’ve just gone over. If I can see what’s ahead and I know the outcomes, then I can be calm, calculated, in control. But if I can’t see the outcomes, if I have no idea what comes next, well that requires trust.
I didn’t think I had a hard time with trust, but I do. When I can’t see the end game, I panic. I called it anxiety. I called it being a perfectionist. But in my case, it was just lack of trust. I don’t want to free fall. I don’t like those roller coaster rides where the seat drops and you feel your stomach climb up into your throat. I like my feet securely on the ground. I like to control my life.
Well, the last three years have been all about trust. It’s been about not knowing end games. It’s been about free falling. I can’t say I’ve joined a sky diving outfit, but I have at least begun to be accustomed to jumping without the end in sight. Because trust is BIG to God. He wants me to believe completely in His sovereign goodness and His amazing ability to care for me and love me well, even when it feels like He is absent.
For the past four and a half years I've struggled significantly with sickness. I spent long periods of time not walking and using handicap permits to get into stores. I have spent untold hours in bed by myself because I felt too sick to be out and about in the world getting things done (which is what I love to do!) The causes of my sickness as well as the treatments were at times unclear and discouraging. One of the doctors I saw told me, "I have never, ever seen a patient try as hard as you have tried to address your health issues." But my efforts did not change things. My efforts did not stop pain. Neither did all my prayers and faith seem to make a dent in my problems. However, somehow, somewhere, in the midst of a road that felt never ending, the Lord faithfully led and guided and brought me to a better place. And taught me some things about trust.
So I dedicate this blog from here on out to trust. To free falling. To going with the Lord where ever He takes me. Care to join me?
Proverbs 3:5-6New King James Version (NKJV)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.